This is something that I truly believe in. The featured image of this blog post shows me standing behind my ex-husband, Chris. On the left is my ex boyfriend of four years, Steve. The guy to my right is my current husband, Mike. The one I wrote the post “Letting Go” about. I can honestly say that no matter what happens, these guys are my friends. I think it’s so totally okay to stay connected to people who you have loved in the past. There is no reason to hold grudges, or burn bridges.
These three men all have taken part of the woman, and mother that I am today. Each of them have helped me grow. I can honestly say that I love all three of them. These relationships are considerably of equal importance. To the point where I could honestly say that if I didn’t have children and the three of them were standing in front of me, I would have a very hard time choosing which one I’m “supposed” to be with. Everything happens for a reason, and there is a reason for the time of that happening.
Life changes, and people evolve. People change, even when we think they can’t or don’t want to. People are capable of change whether it’s for good reasons or bad. The path that I’ve taken has seriously given me some very difficult decisions in life. I know that every choice I’ve made has led me to where I am today. I live with no regrets. Not even one. As I know that I would never change a thing about all of the experiences I’ve had in life. Whatever happened, happened.
Steve and I were together from like 2006 to 2010, and we got through a lot of heavy stuff together. He also made a huge transformation after having weightloss surgery, and writing a book: Daily Attitude of Gratitude! He continues to inspire others daily on his social media pages. He’s an extremely talented musician, singer, and songwriter. We were in very different places while we were together, and now it seems we are following a similar path. Steve is now a Reiki master as well, and most of you know I am on a spiritual journey through Yoga, and Chakra Balancing.
Everything happens for a reason, or so they say. Who are “THEY” anyways? I think I’ve asked that one too many times. Anyways, the point is that I do believe each of these men were supposed to be in my life for more reasons than ten. Missing here would be my first husband Travis. However, we don’t talk much these days. That may be for the best as our relationship was kind of whacky and unstable. He was also an avid music fan, and my relationship with him taught me a lot about myself as both a woman, and an adult.
A lot of people think I’m weird, but I believe that I am blessed. In my previous posts I have stated that I am an optimist, but I’m also a realist. Most people don’t understand how one could be both. It’s also very unique to be a narcissistic empath. However, that’s me in a nutshell. I’ve got conflicting character traits. Which is probably why I fight with myself so often. This is one of the reasons why I think it’s important to keep friendships with those who have loved me in my past. They were all very important people to me, and will continue to be. However the relationships will morph into new forms over time. Maybe that makes me an emotional chameleon.
Pain and suffering helps us to understand what it is to feel happy. I know that my relationships with these men make me happy, and they don’t cause me pain. With the exception of my current situation with Mike. That one is painful, and I feel that way because I love him so much. However, I know deep in my heart that this life in this house with Lucas may not be good for his sanity. Therefore we feel that we just simply aren’t meant to be married. On the other hand I think that if he wanted to walk away, he would have left already. If I really wanted him to leave, I would have asked him to go. We haven’t said our goodbyes, and we are still sleeping in the same bed.
On February 1st, Michael and I have a divorce hearing. An uncontested hearing. One with no child support order, or visitation rights schedule. Part of me fears that if we get divorced, I will be mad. Mad that we couldn’t work it out. Mad that Lucas is the reason why Mike isn’t happy here. He’s not the only reason. I am reflecting upon this past year, and I really have become kind of a stress ball. I don’t want to be this way. I never have been this way. I mean I’m a pretty peaceful person. Always have been. However there is a lot of control I need to let go of. I don’t know why I try to control things so much. I’m afraid of things going the wrong way, and I guess I don’t realize that I should just chill out sometimes.
Either way I know that we could sit here, and I could tell you all the things I’ve found wrong in past relationships. What matters most is what I’ve learned about myself, and how I can better my own personal future. When I think about a future without Mike in it, I’m instantly sad. I feel that way about all three of these men. I’m just not so sure how I will do on my own. I’m afraid to be alone. Frankly, I don’t want to be alone.
We all want love, don’t we? We all want to be loved. We all want to feel special to someone else. I’m doing great with loving myself. It’s gonna be crazy to try to find someone else in the future (if that’s what I do) to mesh well with this situation. If Mike and I really do split for good, I may be very sad for some time. I’m still learning about this life, and I will continue to do so. Some people don’t realize that we are life long learners. There’s always something we could learn, or improve upon.
I’m a pretty complex person I guess. Even though I feel that what I want is so simple. However, loving me and accepting Lucas and I for who we are is a lot to ask. Then I think about poor Chris. He’s like the nicest guy on the planet. Before I met him, he was alone in a nice house, had a good job, one cat, and no kids. Now look at him. He’s got two kids, one is sick, his ex-wife lives in his house with her daughter (that he claims as his own), her new soon to be ex-husband, and their toddler. What did he do? All he did was love me. I know he still loves me. Sometimes life throws you major curve balls. He’s quite the catcher. I don’t know how he gets through each day with a smile on his face.
Sometimes I think I was born to live on a compound full of friends and family. One in which everyone loves and helps each other. No, not in a polygamous sort of way. As I do not believe in being with more than one person. I’m a hopeless romantic who just wants the fairytale to not be broken anymore. Will that ever happen? I’m not so sure, because that is something I cannot control. Nor will I try. I will just keep working on myself. That’s the only thing that I can do with certainty.
As for these three men, I’m sure glad I have them in my life. Steve is a great person to talk to, as Mike is not a good communicator. Chris is my silly best friend and we co-parent pretty well together. However we can’t watch TV together because he won’t watch Grey’s, or This is Us. Mike will, and we watch shows together until I fall asleep nearly every night. I don’t get time to sneak away to spend with Steve to write music or work on graphic and web design. Chris is also a musician, but we are so busy with our kids that we can’t both play at the same time like we once could. Something to work on for sure. Mike and I spend our days together caring for Harrison, and he makes a bangin’ egg sandwich. The small things are what matters most.
As I’ve clearly stated above, some say I’m crazy. I think it’s more like SUPER OPEN MINDED. To the point where it makes people’s heads turn up sideways like a dogs would after hearing a very odd and high pitched sound. I always get raised eyebrows, or the eye rolls. I don’t care. This is no anyone else life to live. I have to wake up and be happy with me. The future is unknown. That scares me. I live with anxiety, and these guys know that about me. Each of them have had to deal with my incessant worrying. I would say Chris wins with the way he always handled it. He was always able to calm me down, and say the right things. Mike doesn’t understand it, and Steve is a bit anxious himself.
I have to laugh. As I’ve sat here editing this post, omitting sentences, adding new ones. I’m happy that I have the opportunity to share this love with all of you. Every memory, inside joke, favorite meal, long car ride, conversation, and all that came with each of these relationships was meant to be cherished. So I will never throw them away. Honestly it’s so cool to be able to talk to these three guys and none of them care that I’m speaking to the other. That’s also something to be proud of guys, yes YOU guys. This situation couldn’t be this cool if these guys weren’t so open minded.
Maybe that’s why I like older men. These guys were all born from 1967-1972. They have fantastic taste in music, they play music, they’ve got killer facial hair, and great personalities. They are all just SO incredibly different. What will the future bring? Come what may… I’m open. Who knows, maybe Mike and I will stay together. Chris and I could re-marry… Or maybe Steve and I could continue to drive each other crazy as we are double virgo’s! Maybe I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. No matter what, I know I’ll have these three men in my corner. #Grateful
As THEY say, when one door closes another will open. Have you ever considered that it could be a door that you may have locked a long time ago? Or maybe it’s the door you tried to close yesterday. Maybe you’re just in the middle of a big transformation, or in transition mode. No matter what, I know you’ll thank me one day for reminding you to never burn a bridge. You just never know what will happen next.
Are you friends with your ex?
Tell me about it…