Letting go of someone you love is one of the hardest things to do. The decision to stop trying to make things work within a relationship, is a hard one. It’s been two and a half years just about since my husband and I first met. Things were easy at first, and then life happened. I know that I love him, and I know that he loves me. However I think because we love each other, we owe it to one another to know when it’s truly time to walk away.
I never thought this was how we’d start 2019, but I guess it makes sense. A fresh start for the both of us, mentally anyways. Nobody’s moving out, and we are not fighting. In fact that’s why we are getting divorced. We don’t want to fight anymore. We have been through so much in these last two years, and we just can’t see eye to eye. It’s honestly as simple as that. We were not meant for each other, no matter how badly we may have wanted to be. You can’t force what isn’t there.
I thought that all the tough stuff we’ve been through, like my son’s bone marrow transplant, and having a newborn at the same time… Would bring us closer together. I think it was eye opening that we just live and co-exsist. We don’t support each other in the ways that a married couple should. I have a lot of things that I’m super passionate about, and I have a lot of emotional needs. He seems to need very different things, and to be able to do what he wants to do. Whenever he wants to do it.
In a way, I think that’s what I want as well. I want to be creative, and a free spirit who runs with the wind. I’ve always been laid back, and I’ve turned into a pretty controlling and intense person. These are things that I will continue to work on, but not in this relationship. We have to let this one go. Everything happens for a reason, and I truly believe that we were meant to be with each other to learn from one another. We were both lonely and searching for a home for our hearts. We found that for a while.
We both believe that were weren’t meant to be married in general. Like we’re not cut out for it. It’s not that we want to be with other people, it’s that we just don’t want to be controlled or constantly disappointed. So we’ve given up. We’ve had enough. Even though we may want more, and it seems like this should work. We just can’t keep going through these vicious cycles that only cause us pain. We have passion, and we have tried. God knows we have tried a million times to get it right. It’s sad, and it hurts but there’s also a bit of relief because everyday is a battle.
We live with enough stress in this house as it is, so we don’t need to cause anymore. We just need to be our own people. We will raise this beautiful baby boy together, and our love for each other will probably never truly fade away. We just don’t belong in a relationship, and I think I’m finally okay with that. I’ve tried like hell to fight for it, but I can’t be the only one who’s fighting for a love that’s not worth the effort. Maybe things will get better for us if we just stay friends. He’s a cool dude, and he’s hot. He’s just not good for me, my autistic son, or my heart.
See, the reality is folks… He has a choice. I don’t have a choice. My son is mine, as I birthed him into this world. Autism is hard. It sucks at times, and 80% of parents who have a special needs child end up getting divorced. It’s not fair to any of us. My husband did not know what he was walking into, fully. To his defense, he has a choice and he’s just not cut out for this. My son is intense, and so am I. Hopefully I can get back to that happy wild spirit that I once was.
This is my new path, and I’m not afraid. It won’t be easy, and there will be tears. I’m sure things will be weird, and awkward for a while. Something tells me this is the right thing to do. One month from today we will be legally divorced, but we will always be family. Love always wins. It’s just morphing into a different kind of love now.
It’s time for me to focus on my children, myself, my spiritual journey, helping to empower other women through my yoga practice, my music, and my writing.
Peace & Chocolate,