No Photos, Love.

Guys I can’t always post blogs with amazing pictures. That in turn should not stop me from blogging. I have these little things that I like to call mental speed bumps in my life that slow me down, or stop me from doing things. I usually think about what pictures would go good with posts, and plan accordingly. I’m so sick and tired of planning everything. Another thing I do is try to finish my paragraph in an aesthetically pleasing place. Which is just stupid. I should finish a paragraph when it’s done.

I also tend to over-edit things. I can’t tell you how many times I’d like to erase and rewrite a sentence to appease my writers ocd. I also could write countless paragraphs that begin with the word, I. However, I’m aware of how grammatically incorrect that is. Sometimes I just don’t care. Lately I’ve been giving way less f*ck’s about tons of sh*t. I’m just focusing on being completely authentic. The one thing I can’t do however, is get back to YouTube. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m not feeling the camera, or my hair… Or if I just really don’t have the energy to put a video together these days.

So blogging it is today, and maybe not tomorrow. The Podcast has suffered greatly since Lucas got sick. We will reignite that flame and schedule a weekly podcast day very soon. It’s just hard to schedule anything. Hell I’m lucky if I can get someone to watch Harrison while I take a pee. That’s okay, that’s my life, and I’m owning it. What I do need is a little more time for myself in the day to accomplish things that make me feel productive. So I guess I’m going to count this blog, and the shower I took earlier as my win for the day. I’m not even exaggerating. Like, at all.

Do your kids watch Pocoyo? It’s pretty cute and whatever for them, but for me? I am so tired of listening to it, but it keeps him happy. So here I am trying to write this blog and get something out that may feel good. However I’m wicked distracted and all I can think about is what they used for sound effects on this show. Also, how much money does the narrator get? Is that a good living, because I could handle that.

As I stare at my Yoga book by James Hewitt, and This Will Only Hurt a Little by Busy Phillips, and Girl Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis; I wonder when I will be able to open them. I seriously could use a weekend away. Maybe even a day, but then who would do Lucas’ heparin flushes? Who would make sure he wasn’t running and falling? Who would put him to bed? Who would nurse Harrison? Who would run downstairs to calm the screaming when it becomes unbearable? Me, that’s who. While that’s totally okay and everything, all things considered. I’ve got to find, and make time for myself.

***

I just grabbed my guitar off the wall, took a picture and sat down to play for a moment. I’m a singer songwriter who has no time to tell her story? F that. I’m telling it. I found an awesome guitar player to write with, and we are going to rock an EP. It’s time. It’s been too long. I bought my first guitar 14 years ago. I mean, seriously. It’s time.

***

Ashlee Simpson’s “Little Miss Obsessive”. That’s what I chose to play. Never played it before, never even tried. Just saw it on the ever so trustee Ultimate Guitar Tabs, and felt the need to proceed. Note: I had to transpose it up four half steps because the key they have it in is not the same as Ashlee’s recording. See? I sounded like I knew something for a moment there. I have got to say that ever since my concussion I have a different way of thinking, and feeling things. It’s slower for sure, but in the best possible way ever. Assuming nothing is wrong with me, my accident changed my life for the better.

Hey, I know it’s not perfect. Listen though, I’ve got a baby crawling around, and I have never done this tune before. Also, I barely play these days. When I listen back to it, and watch myself. I realized a few things. I remembered the lyrics without reading them, and I only flubbed the chords once or twice I think. My rhythm wasn’t terrible, and I found the pocket where the melody sits. I wasn’t thinking about it. I’ve heard the song a thousand times, and I have a low voice. It’s hoarse, I know. It’s healing from adult croup. The point is, three months ago… I couldn’t have done this. Meaning I would have over thought the rhythm to the point where I couldn’t play it. I would have been reading the words and focusing on if I have the right diction and perfect pitch.

I wasn’t thinking. It’s a beautiful thing. It’s like I’ve found this comfort zone with music, and I don’t even care that it’s only slightly average because I will improve. I’m wanting to write again, and I’m feeling music in a different way. Without criticism I guess. As a virgo, I want to control and over think every damn thing. This is awesome. I almost feel like I want to call myself a musician. Almost.

So now, without planning it… This blog post has a cool photo, and a video. I guess I’m not doing so bad, eh? Maybe I can make the time to do the things I love to do. Even though I have four kids, and one of them is autistic with a life threatening illness. Maybe I can still be myself. I feel so comfortable in my own skin. It’s great. I’m finding my way back to my happy place. To be positive even when things suck. I have finally managed to announce my gender feels, and sexuality mentality to the world, and I feel good about the person I am in the inside showing herself on the outside. It’s all coming full circle.

I Am Me, And I Won’t Change For Anyone. (Another Ashlee Simpson song) I guess I know why I chose her song to sing today. Maybe I’m feeling a little mad, and a little confused with this world. I’m connecting to things in ways I never have before. I’m learning to teach myself how to be calm inside a storm. How to handle things with grace. How to not be mad at what I don’t have, and to be so grateful for what I do!

“No Photos, Love” said Ray Lamontagne when I met him at Hampton Beach Casino Ballroom. Yes, Hampton BEEEAAACCCHHHH. It just seemed like a good title for this blog since I told you I had no plans, or photos for it. Then look what happened. I made an instant plan, did something I loved, and managed to document it and share it with the world. See? Anyone can make five minutes for themselves. Even if they have 4 kids, one with autism and a life threatening illness.

“There has to be time for the caregiver. Or else she won’t care.” – Lindsay Taylor

That’s my line. I wrote it. You can’t take it from me.

Peace & Chocolate

p.s. I guess I also got back to YouTube. LOL

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