I’m not sure why I haven’t written in a while. Maybe it’s because I often feel like I have nothing to say. When in reality, I can never shut up. Sometimes I feel like if I’m about to whine, then I shouldn’t blog. However that wouldn’t be The Wicked Ugly truth now would it? I’m going through a lot right now. I am suffering a great deal, and I don’t know who to talk to. (Hold on while I lookup local therapists, because I meant to do that like twenty minutes ago before I got off track)…
Ok I totally can’t find the lady my doctor suggested. I will have to ask her tomorrow. I think I’m in a vulnerable place, and I need someone to talk things through with. Therapy is not a bad thing. I don’t know why I always said I wouldn’t go to therapy. I think I need it, now more than ever. Everything in my life seems like it’s changing. Transition is hard for me when I’m so scared of the unknown.
Harrison is growing up way too fast. Today he had his first home based preschool intake appointment. He’s such a sweetie. He needed to check in with me on multiple occasions to make sure that nice lady was okay. She’s a peach, and he’s a gem. The reality is setting in quick that he is just not a little baby anymore. He’s getting into everything. It’s a little crazy these days. With that being said, here’s a cute picture of him playing peekaboo!
Harrison toddling is starting to remind me of all the things I can’t do. However that makes me put things in perspective. There’s so many things that I no longer care to do. Like go to school, and listen I know that sounds bad… But let me break this down for you Linzy style. I bit off more than I could chew this semester. I knew I was while I was doing it. The plan all along was to NOT go back this fall, and enjoy a well deserved break after this past year of hell. Well, I didn’t do that. I signed up for four classes. That involves 15 hours away from Harrison, and my other little kids. That’s 15 hours that I could spend on my Yoga teacher training. Or my PODCAST. Yoga has brought me so much inner peace, and strength. (Hold Up, Rachel Just Brought Me Dinnahhh!)
This is like my favorite meal. I definitely could have done without the mac & cheese but the carboholic inside is thanking her right now. Good job kid, Mama’s belly is happy, and I didn’t even know I needed it. Now I need to chug 24oz of water. I am trying to detox by drinking nearly a gallon each day. It’s hard to do at first, but it’s so good for you. I highly suggest everyone drinking more water. My dear friend told me to to do so as I was sick, and it’s helped me to keep hydrated. OH yah, by the way… Everyone here was sick last week, and it sucked. Back to school brings so many illnesses that I just don’t want to deal with. I hope whatever Lucas gets, that he can handle with his new German blood.
I’m generally a pretty positive, and optimistic person. Lately I have been down in the freaking dumps. I’m no longer afraid to admit that I have been silently suffering from PTSD. My doctor diagnosed me this past spring. It’s not something that I openly speak about, and I’m not sure why. Maybe I’m embarrassed that I have problems. I don’t want to admit that at times I’m not strong at all. I’m actually very weak, and I cry so much. I’m not suicidal, and I’m not severely depressed. However I am anxious and kinda depressed. Yoga has helped me to make positive changes, but I have much more work to do on myself. The beauty within, I have found. I am here now.
Something pretty cool happened last week! I became an official ambassador for the company FeetUp and I couldn’t be happier about it. Usually they only partner with people who have thousands of followers, but they chose me because they appreciate the raw, and honest unfiltered photos that I post. I started a new instagram @LindsayTaylorYoga and you can follow me there to see the authenticity for yourself. If you want one of these awesome inversion trainers, you can totally get one on their website here: FeetUp and you can get 10% off using my discount code: LINZY10 (Thank You Linz) You’re totally welcome! Enjoy putting your feet up! It works wonders for my migraines and core strengthening.
I also wrote a new song this week, yet it’s unfinished. That’s okay though. I need to schedule some time with my guitar player to rewrite it and make it amazing. Making time for the things that you love to do is so important. My husband said to me this morning, “You gotta get up and get ready for school.” To which I said, “I don’t gotta do anything.” That may have been a snide remark, but I meant it so matter of factly. We don’t have to do things we don’t want to do. We can change our lives in any way we choose to. I’m choosing to be successful as a Yoga instructor, and growing my Doula client list. As I have had very little time to do so. I didn’t work so hard for that certification just to sit here and stare at it.
Yup, there it is just chilling out over Harrison’s changing table with a piece of art Mike made in transplant land with the baby’s foot and hand prints. I want to see my 300 hour Hatha Yoga certificate on that wall, along with my 100 hour Vinyasa Yoga Teacher certificate. I want to do things that I love. Writing music, and playing gigs. Learning how to play my guitar a bit better here and there when I have the desire to. Right now it’s just a writing tool. I’m learning how to prioritize my time, but for myself in a positive way.
There’s my boys. My silly, happy boys enjoying a moment of nonsense. Lucas was pushing Harrison down to fall on his bum. I was not happy about this situation, but Harrison thought it was rather funny. Choose your battles right? When is it okay to push the baby? How do we teach right and wrong with an autistic child who is so literal at times, and so fun loving and silly in other moments. We just take it all in stride. Lucas has 15 hours of in home ABA therapy. We have the most kind and understanding woman, and we are so lucky. Sometimes he is so mean to her. I hope she stays with us.
Fear. I live in constant fear. Is my son going to be okay? Will he die? Will anyone around me die? Will I die? Sure we all will one day, but I have some serious death anxiety. It’s a thing, I googled it. I’ve always had it to a certain extent. I’m afraid of so much. I’m learning how to enjoy the good things in life, which is cool. Sometimes I just don’t feel at all, or I feel way too much. We should allow ourselves to feel. It’s a beautiful thing.
A friend reached out to me after I posted a few things on Facebook. She could see through the posts, and she cared to ask what was going on. I’m lucky I have her, and four other people to talk to (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) on a daily basis. They are kind of my lifeline and they may not even know it. Without them, it’s just me and Harrison. Trust me he’s super cute and I tell him everything, but let’s be real. He doesn’t have much to add to the conversation. I guess I just wanted to write a blog because I forgot I could. I forgot I have this outlet. I’m not sure how deep I want to get into my problems here. So I’m going to stop this one here.
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I am okay. I will be okay. I am here. I am present. I will continue to fight for what I feel that I deserve. I will always care about my feelings more than anyone else ever will.
These are the things that carry me through.
Until next time…