There’s just something about the water that soothes my soul. This week was pretty stressful, not gonna lie. I got a lot done, but yet at the same time I feel like I could have been way more productive. This morning was the first morning where I had planned to wake up early, and hit the gym with my daughter. However, for some reason Chris let me sleep in. I didn’t get woken up to help get Lucas ready for his summer school program.
So I woke up at 9:20 on my own, which is insane. I usually just don’t sleep. Or I get broken sleep from nursing every 2-3 hours. I can’t stand it. So okay, today I woke up “late” and I felt like I was all messed up. Sleeping too much makes me feel silly, even though I really do need the sleep. I woke up my teenager but she had absolutely no interest in going to the gym. There went my plan. So I walked back into my room, and thought about getting my baby ready to go to the gym so he can play, and I could workout or swim. However, that wasn’t what my man had in mind.
I was pretty excited to hear that my husband wanted to take me to the beach this morning. However, I just wasn’t prepared. I had a plan, and I never have a plan. I don’t plan things. He was trying to be spontaneous, and I needed him to do something like this. I just don’t understand why I couldn’t just snap to it, and get moving. I had to take my medicine, I had to re pack the diaper bag, and I had to put my contacts in. The time was slipping by, and it was almost 10:35 by the time we got out. We hadn’t even eaten yet.
He took me out to breakfast at our new favorite spot, and it was really nice. However by the time we were done it was just past noon. I knew that my son was gonna be home, and I had promised a swim trip in the afternoon. Breaking promises can’t happen with an autistic kid, or any kid really.
Three Days Later: Because I couldn’t possibly sit down and expect to be able to type out a meaningful blog in one shot.
Now it’s Sunday afternoon, and I am trying to get some online training done for my job. Reminiscing about that beach day I wasn’t prepared for makes me kind of sad. I should cherish every moment that makes me truly smile, (shown left). I think that sometimes even the happiest people in the world have moments of sadness, or a total utter loss of sanity. I fully admit that I am an optimist, however I’m also a realist too. What I would give to be back at that beach right now. Why was I so reluctant to go? Because I was tired? Because I was afraid of not being home in time to take my son to the pool? Or maybe it was because I had slept in, and I was feeling really lazy. Now look at me. I’m super stressed out, trying to get a lot done in very little time. My son is miserable once again, even though we had a great time at the pool on Thursday. Good moments come and go. We should learn to embrace each and every positive moment, no matter how insignificant it may seem. I have noticed that if I focus on all of those tiny little moments of happiness, I feel happier.
Don’t take your happiness for granted. Those of you who may be feeling bored, or lonely. I wish I had that luxury, as I remember those days. In hindsight they were nice, and peaceful. There is no peace in our lives. Days pass, and night time comes. We all rejoice when Lucas is asleep, and hope he stays asleep all night long. Once Lucas is asleep, he’s pretty much knocked out. However there is a chance that he will wake up around 3 or after, then stay up all night. We have to find a better sleep regimen. Believe me we’ve tried EVERYTHING from natural, to big pharma. Routines with bath and story time, and a set bedtime. Nothing works for this kid. He could live without sleep. I truly believe that sometimes. Harrison is still nursing, and probably will for quite some time. I considered weaning him when he was biting non-stop. Well now I understand that he was biting because I had barely anything in me for him to drink, and we had to up his food intake. He eats 4 times a day now, and still manages to nurse 3-4 times during the night.
The baby was wondering why Lucas wasn’t being funny and crazy when he fell asleep in our bed the night before last. It was cute to watch Harrison crawl all over Lucas, and pull at his face while talking to him. Payback I call it. He was being gentle, but I still enjoyed it very much! On October 1st, Harrison will turn one. That’s it. Then I can’t say I have a baby anymore. So I really don’t mind him waking me up at night. He’s only going to be little once. I keep reminding myself of that. It’s hard to think I won’t have more babies. I always wanted more, but now I’m able to work as a Doula to get my baby fix. Besides, I wouldn’t want anymore babies in this house. Lucas is just too much to handle. He really is like having 3 kids in 1.
Joanna. Dear sweet Joanna. I feel like she gets lost in the craziness sometimes. Can we spend a moment here? I’d like to express how much joy she can bring into our days when she’s not acting out because of her big brother. Joey is a smart, and very cute 3.5 year old. She will begin early preschool in September. That’s bittersweet. There was a time where I thought for sure that I would homeschool my children. I worry about schools. Not just because of what we see on the news, but because of what we don’t see. I would like my kids to think outside the box, and become life long learners. Not just little robots with processors made up of regurgitated historic dates, and scientific facts. I just can’t do it, and frankly I don’t want to anymore. Hopefully sending them all to public school will be good for them. They definitely need to socialize, and I’m a lazy mom. Not even going to lie about it. I don’t want to create a day full of structure. I’m gonna go ahead and let the school do that.
It’s time for me to think about myself a little bit more. I’d like to go back to school, and keep working. Writing new music is also very important to me. Writing is my therapy, and singing is my creative outlet. I also like to express myself with tattoo’s, and funky hair. The picture above I’m sharing because I think it’s SO super cute. I’d like to go wild and give it a try. It looks like a good change for me. I grew my hair out, and now that it fits in a messy bun… I hate it with a passion. I’m also ready to play with color, as I never really have. My hair does have a natural wave to it, and I need something easy and stylish. That’s what I’m going to do for myself next, I’m going to give up the need to grow my hair out. It hasn’t been pleasant. I gotta stay true to myself. If I want to make it as an actress, or a singer, it won’t be because I grew my hair out to look “normal”.
Having an edgy style is just part of who I am. Also, I’m training to be a swim instructor, and a lifeguard at work. Which opens the door for me to be able to pick up more shifts, and help my own kids learn some much needed water skills. I’m getting paid to be in the water, and helping kids learn how to swim. I don’t know why I never thought of it before. I’m a fish, a sea soul. Water is my happy place. So thanks to my husband, I got to the beach this week. Maybe that doesn’t seem like a big deal to you, but to me? It means the world.
Harrison loved the water too. He clearly is his Mama’s son. Water is therapeutic, and Lucas becomes so happy when he swims as well. I feel like I’m rambling, but I just felt the need to get a specific point across. Life is tough, and life isn’t always fun. Enjoy every moment that you can. If you’re feeling frustrated by work, or chaos at home. Maybe you’re just mad at yourself for not getting enough done. My thoughts are these, live for your own personal happiness. Don’t live for someone else’s good time. Be authentic to who you are, and don’t settle for less than you feel that you deserve. Don’t listen to negativity, and try not to let other’s opinion’s cloud your judgement. Surround yourself with people that lift you up, and support you. If you feel the need to make changes in your life, just do it. Change is hard, and making the actual changes is even harder. Our life is a little different, as we can’t just snap our fingers and make our home a calm, and happy one. We surely wish we could. Living with a child with autism isn’t fun. Then add a mood disorder, and ADHD. It becomes less, and less fun. There are shining moments though. Colorful moments. Good Moments.
Those are the ones we have to remember…
Especially when the shit hits the fan!