Everyday is exactly the same… Maybe some are slightly better than others, but the song remains the same. I honestly don’t know how I’m still sane. Maybe I’m not? I’m starting to wonder. Yesterday I asked my dear husband to go down to the store to grab a case of beer. He did a bunch of house chores, and then asked if I wanted to go. After a great deal of battling the frustration of what would hold Lucas’ attention while I stepped away, I managed to escape. This cool little wine & spirits shop is just around the corner… Trying to find parking was another chore. So I took a side street, parked, and hit the pavement.
I was free for a moment, and then I looked up and saw this big church. The doors were absolutely huge. I had no idea what type of church it was, or if it was even open. Then I thought to myself, Linz it’s a church. The doors should always be open. So I walked up the steps and placed my hand on the massive door, and entered.
Seriously, look at where the door handle is, and then look up. I felt like I was in a movie. Upon entering I saw the holy water rig, and I knew I had to place my fingers in it, and then do that crossy thing. I was raised and baptized catholic, but I hated church. I hated going, and it honestly meant nothing to me. I’m not a believer so to speak, but lately I’ve been very open to learning. I’ve even tried paying to “God”, not knowing who he was, or If I’d ever get the chance of feeling any ounce of faith. What I can tell you is that I believe in a higher power. I also believe in Science. I’m not closed off by any means, I just don’t know what to think. I’m learning, and I’m open to learning. Which is more than I can say for my past living as a closed minded “atheist”.
When I walked in, I expected someone to hear me. The church was dark, but there was light shining through the windows. My keys were so loud that I actually muffled their sound by placing them gently into my sweatshirt pocket. I looked around, and I was in awe. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a church this beautiful. I thought maybe it was a Greek Orthodox church. Maybe it was a catholic church. Maybe it was a religion I was unaware of. Then I stopped worrying about that, and I slowly walked up to the front. I knew I had to kneel. I also knew I wanted to go up front, and to the right. Probably because that’s where I remember my Dad sitting sometimes when we went in the past. I crept up to about the third row, and looked down to the floor…
Captivated by the beauty of the room, I didn’t notice that the kneeling bench was open, waiting for me. There I knelt, and I cried. I cried for a few moments. The things I said, and the questions I asked were pretty selfish. “Why did you do this to me? I don’t know what I did to deserve this much pain and suffering. How could you wish this on anyone? If you’re so great, why aren’t you helping me?” Then I switched gears, and I prayed for peace. I prayed to be strong, and I prayed for patience. I didn’t pray for much else, because frankly I don’t want to be let down.
This church is pretty magical. The size, the lighting, and the hippie smell. It was cool. It didn’t feel like church did when I was forced into it as a kid. It felt good. It felt like home in a way. Suddenly I had goosebumps all over my whole entire body. I had to get up and walk around. I checked out this statue like thing in the back right hand corner, with all of these red lights. It said $1.00 to light a candle. Well, I didn’t have a dollar. I looked up and told the statue of a man holding a small child, “I’m taking this one for free, I deserve it.” I pressed the button on the candle, and then I looked back at the statue and admitted, “I don’t even know who you are, and I’m sorry. I will figure it out, and I will learn”. Then I looked up, and I saw Jesus.
This wall was so tall already that I was very surprised to see another statue up there, and I was taken aback by all that surrounded me. Things kinda felt a little creepy after that, so I took another walk, around before I made my way out. I was starting to feel like I saw a ghost. The goosebumps would not go away. The feeling I had in me was something I’ve never felt before. I have anxiety, and I fear the unknown. I knew I just had to move around. I saw this big large staircase when I had first walked in, and it totally reminded me of a theatre, it was a great spot to go sing. I almost did. However, I didn’t want to get in trouble. I felt like I wasn’t allowed up there.
I really wanted to, maybe next time. Maybe with permission. I miss singing. I miss who I used to be. I miss so many things that I hold dear, and I feel like my life is just on pause, but my heart keeps beating.
Taking pictures was something I wasn’t going to do at first. Then I did anyways because I felt that this little journey of mine should absolutely be documented. When do I ever go to church? When? Almost never. Not unless I HAVE to. The altar is massive, in fact everything here is oversized. I knew I shouldn’t go up there, but I had to. Just to look.
I never knew Jesus, I never read the good book. I had to just simply take a look.
That’s all I did. My journey ended after this, and as I walked out I admired my surroundings one more time. Outside there was a sign. It’s a Roman Catholic church with a Rectory next-door. That made sense. It’s truly beautiful.
Part of me wants to go back. Part of me wants to study. Part of me wants to bring my son there for an exorcism. (Not even joking). Part of me would also like to study the Book of Mormon, and other religions such as Buddhism, etc. Who knows what will happen next. This blog is really for those ugly moments that happen to me in life, and my need to vent. Yesterday was just different, and I don’t know what any of it means. However it wasn’t ugly. For once, something peaceful happened. Even if it was just only for a moment.