LINZY- Everyone says things like, “Oh You’re SO Strong”, and “I Don’t Know How You Do It”, or “He’s SO cute”. Well, the truth is… I’m not strong, I’m exhausted. I do what I have to do, just like anyone else would. We do what have to do for our children. As far as my son, and how adorable he is? Yeah he’s cute. Wicked cute, but not at 3am when he wants “Mommy Nuggles”. I’ve snuggled with him for 5 years straight. At night, I would just like to snuggle with my husband in my own bed for five fucking minutes.
Having a newborn is hard, but not nearly as hard as having a newborn and a five year old bone marrow transplant patient who has severe behavioral problems to boot. He’s annoying, really annoying. My son is a vicious person at times who thinks it’s okay to knock over his little sister because she sat next to him. He smothers our newborn with “love”, and I can’t pee alone. Ever. It’s not a joke, nor is it an exaggeration. I’m dying for five minutes alone. Even when I shower, all I hear is him reciting lines from Ace Ventura. Or screaming his head off, and his scream shakes the house.
Of course I love him, and I love being a mom. However, we all have our days. Minutes, in this house we go by minutes. We have to, because expecting to have a good day would be absolutely ridiculous. Did I say house? I meant to say hospital, because that’s where we’ve been living off and on since October 16th. He’s been through more than any other child his age every should. BUT WHAT ABOUT US!? WHAT ABOUT THE PARENTS? People say they can’t imagine what we are going through. That’s true. THEY CAN’T.
I just handed him a baseball that was signed by the Red Sox that he got before we left Boston Children’s Hospital yesterday. All we can picture is him chucking it at his sister. Everyone says boys are crazy, but this one is always one second away from disaster. Damage Control: Always On. I don’t mean little problems, I mean catastrophic issues that can blow up for no reason at all. I’m exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally. Can I please take a break? No. No I cannot.
All I can do is laugh. Or try to anyways.
Cherish every good moment you may have with your loved ones. Don’t take them for granted. We wish and hope for them every second of everyday.
That’s just not our reality.