I feel the need to explain myself, even though I really shouldn’t have to. However, I am so sick and tired of receiving messages from people who don’t understand the choices that I’ve made. Please don’t judge me, as I would never return that kind of indecency to anyone else. I’ve always taken pride in the fact that I am so open minded. I wish I could bestow that super power upon everyone in this world. However, I can’t do that. I’m not super human. I’m just me. Before I continue, I would like to ask that if you don’t have anything nice to say to me… Don’t say anything at all. Delete me. Erase me from your life. I don’t have time for drama, unless it’s on a stage with a light shining on me!
After Joanna was born, we were so blessed to find out that she was healthy. Once all of the dust settled after my C section healed, I began to feel empty and lonely inside. These are emotions that I never really shared with anyone because at the time it seemed selfish. Maybe I was dealing with some PPD. Who knows. My dear ex husband did nothing wrong. He is a sweet man, and I will love him forever. However, with that said my love for him changed. I started to feel that I was living with my best friend. We lost some passion along the way, and some people can live without it. I can’t, and I’m not sorry for that.
Learning that I couldn’t have anymore children with him also made me feel scared for my future. I always wanted a large family, as I was an only child. Granted, I was blessed with an awesome blended family. I grew up with two step brothers, and a step sister whom I saw nearly every other weekend. My mother was in a car accident when I was 9, and my parents got divorced when I was 12. I grew up fast, as most of you know I had my first baby when I was just sixteen years old. My step brother passed away when I was 18 in a tragic car accident. Life has been a roller coaster ride of ups and downs for sure.
Life with Chris offered me stability, and a sense of hope that maybe I could be eternally happy with someone. Unfortunately I felt that we grew apart in someways. It’s not a switch that I can just turn back on. Believe me, I tried for over a year. I realize that marriage has it’s good times, and bad times. I need to reiterate here that there were no bad times. Chris was a great husband, and he is an amazing father. His family welcomed me with open arms, and treated me beautifully. Chris and I did have our share of highs and lows, especially when we had a miscarriage, and when Lucas got sick. Not to mention Lucas’ challenging behavior, and Chris’ ongoing disability.
I’m not the type of person that can just sit unhappy in a situation. A lot of people would say they would never leave their family, and they would do what it takes to make it work. However, I’m the one who has to go to sleep at night, and ask myself if I’m happy. Life is short, and you never know what’s going to happen. I’m the type of person who can’t stay unhappy. I had felt like a pressure cooker bomb, just waiting to blow up. I was miserable. I felt that I had lost myself. I was frustrated, and angry. I wasn’t a good wife or a mother. I realized that I needed to get out of the house more. I started working again, and I began to sing and play music again. Feeling like myself again was a blessing. It woke me up out of my comfortably numb state, and I started to ask questions like, “What about me? Don’t I deserve to be happy?” The answer is, yes. I absolutely do. So does Chris, and our beautiful children. I was not a positive person in that house. I was yelling, and I was mad almost all of the time. That’s no way to live, and it wasn’t fair to Chris, or our children. At the rate I was going, I probably would have had a heart attack from stress.
So I started doing things for myself. Little things. Playing open mic nights, helping my favorite local band score some high profile shows. Things that made me feel like myself again. When I woke up from my previously mentioned “numb” state, I realized that I wasn’t happy in my marriage and I needed to step out of it. I didn’t put it on Facebook. Never once did I want to make Chris feel uncomfortable. I can’t stress enough how wonderful he was, and how he never did anything wrong. It was me, I was no longer in love. I can’t apologize for that, and I won’t. What I will apologize for, is for not telling my family and friends how I was feeling. I felt alone, and I truthfully didn’t want to talk about it. I sought out counseling, and I found that to be a joke. I’m very real with myself. I’ve always been one to blast all of my personal life on Facebook. So maybe people got the wrong idea when they saw that I got divorced and then entered a new relationship.
Let me be the first to tell you that I never cheated on Chris. I was honest with him from the start. We cried together, we sat down and talked a lot. We made plans for our children that I was not happy with. However, I knew that allowing him to take primary residential custody was the best thing for THEM. Not me. Certainly not. Chris begged me not to ask for joint custody, as he is home 24/7 and has the help he needs to take care of the kids in the home they grew up in. They are enrolled in wonderful state funded school programs, in home, and at school. Rachel is happy in her high school. We moved a lot when she was younger, and she found her path in CT. It would have been selfish of me to pull all of my kids out of their safe and happy lives, and try to get things going for them here in MA. Mind you I work three jobs now to help support these guys, because Chris is now disabled. If the kids were in my primary custody, they would be in programs, and watched by babysitters or stuffed in day care. They are safe, and happy where they are.
The ride from my apartment to their home is 32 minutes without traffic from door to door. I am in and out of CT every chance I get. It’s just a hop skip and a jump. In the future they will be able to come stay with me when this place is ready for them. I am so happy that Chris and I were able to work out our own agreement. We do not have a court order for child support, nor do we have one for visitation. We were granted with a waiver for the 90 day waiting period, because we had a completely uncontested amicable divorce, and the court system are allowing US to work out the details. I cry nearly every day because I miss living with my babies. When I get sad, I go out and see them. I cut their fingernails. I still give Lucas his shots. I’m there for school functions, and for Joanna’s weekly in home visits. Financially, I provide them with enough money so that Chris can buy food, diapers, gas, clothes, and I also help to pay the bills we had together.
Three months ago, I met Mike. We spent a good month just simply getting to know each other. During that time, I had no idea what was going to happen. I just enjoyed talking to him when I was playing open mic nights. When I first met him in August, I did notice that I was attracted to him, and that there was something special about the twinkle in his eyes. After a month went by, I filed for divorce. At that time, I also told Chris that I was interested in seeing where things may go with Mike. Chris was on match.com that very same day. It was a relief to know that Chris was looking for companionship as well. He knew that things with us weren’t working out. I want Chris to find love. His happiness matters to me, and I’m very open to the idea of him finding someone who can love him the way he deserves to be loved. He’s a great man. In the meantime, I still have a lot of love and will continue to help care for him. I still take him to his doctor’s visits in Hartford, and help him in whatever way I can. I always will.
From that point on, things fell together so smoothly between Mike and I. It was like the universe provided me with everything I was hoping for. In a way I feel like it was Karma giving me a huge pay back for all of the pain I’ve been through in my life. Maybe it was also because I was open, and honest. I didn’t know what I was looking for. I didn’t know that I needed someone else, until we found each other. He is a very kind, calm, caring, and patient man. He is a super dad who raised his two kids by himself. They are now just 18, and 19 years old on the brink of adulthood, and I’m so happy to have them in my life. I now have a huge family, and for that I am so blessed. My heart is full. The love I feel for Mike is something that I never thought I’d find. I’ve found true love, and a burning passion together in one beautiful relationship. I didn’t realize that you could have both at the same time. I’m tired of people making me feel as if I did something wrong. This is my life, and the cool thing about that is… I get to make my own decisions.
Leaving Chris, and the kids was THE biggest sacrifice I’ve ever had to make. However, at the end of the day, I go to sleep knowing that my kids are safe and warm. They are loved and well taken care of. My heart is at ease, and I have three wonderful jobs right now. I was just blessed with a dream job. I believe everything happens for a reason. I’d like to think that this is it for me. That my relationship with Mike will be the very thing I was always missing. We finish each other’s sentences. We know what each other is thinking. We eat the same foods. We listen to the same music, and we both want to play the same kind of music. He’s an awesome guitar player. We have lived a parallel life, and it’s so astonishing to both of us at times. We even went to the same Black Crowes concert years back, and scooped up the same bandana. We had the same dentist as kids. The way I feel with him, is a feeling that I always hoped for. I feel loved, I feel protected, and he makes me feel like a woman. Most of you know that I can be very manly at times. It’s nice to feel like a girl.
I found what I needed, and I believe he did too. We want the same for Chris. Who knows what will happen in the future. All we can do right now is concentrate on how awesome our present is. We are all combined, in one huge happy modern day blended family. We don’t expect anyone to understand it, we just hope people can respect our privacy. Why should our decisions affect anyone else personal lives so much that they feel the need to Facebook bash us, or send me messages that are rude, and one sided. Open your mind.
Let the sunlight in, and take a deep breath. All is well, and that is all.