When Moms Cry…

Today I just can’t get the song “When Doves Cry”, out of my head. However, for me today… it’s not about the damn doves, it’s about me! Supposedly super rockstar mom. Well let me tell you, I cried my eyes out today. I was singing the song to myself in my head as I was trying my very best to calmly get Lucas out of the Y. Major lyric change here:

How can you just leave me standing
Alone in a life that’s so hard? (oh so hard)
Maybe he’s just too demanding
Maybe he’s just not like the others, too bold
Why does he hit his mother
She’s always crying inside (crying inside)
Why does he scream and bite others
This is what it looks like
When moms cry…

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Just a lovely photo, isn’t it? This was me sitting in my van outside of my new job, sobbing because I just felt so helpless. I hate the way people look at me, like they feel sorry for me. I don’t want their sympathy, I just want to have normal days. I’d settle for an hour.

I decided to take my kids to the Y to enjoy the playroom, so I could get my workout in. Unfortunately that didn’t happen because Joanna is still having a really hard time with separation anxiety. She’s almost one, but she’s never been left with others. So, yeah I get it. It’s gonna take time. So I decided to just drop Lucas off into the child watch area, and took Joanna for a stroll around the facility. We talked to my co-workers, and visited the pool area. Then we went back into the child care area, and I decided to let Joey play with another little girl for a while. Just as she was getting comfortable playing, Lucas decided he wanted to repeatedly use the little toddler slide.

The staff is amazingly incredible. My son is just hard to handle. I saw that the slide was becoming an issue, and he had been in there for about an hour. I decided it was time to head out. That’s when things got hairy. I always expect for him to be resistant to leave when he’s having fun, but today it was just very difficult. I was trying to bribe him with snacks, and nothing was working. I put Joanna in the Tula, scooted her into a back carrying position, and had to scoop Lucas up so I could put him in a chair on the other side of the room to put his sneakers on.

Once I got his sneakers on, somehow he quickly got away from me, ran over towards the slide and took his shoes off. He was about to get back on the slide, but I got to him before he could. I tossed his shoes, and jacket in my tote rather quickly. Unfortunately I had to grab his arm and guide him out of the room, I just told him we were going into the lobby for a snack, of which I had packed many different choices. Well, he tried to run down a hallway with his socks on. Not safe, I was able to catch up to him, and bring him back into the lobby which was a great area because the doors to the facility are locked. However, I had trouble there too… He didn’t want his shoes on, but I got them on. Then he said he wasn’t leaving. I decided that it was time to break out his harness. I knew that was the only way I could get him out safely with the baby on my back.

It took me more than 5 minutes to put his harness on because he kept trying to walk away from me. As soon as I got it on him, he instantly started pulling me like a Rottie one hell of a mission. So I grabbed my bag and headed for the door. He started screaming his little head off, and his scream could break glass. I’m almost positive about that. My colleagues at the front desk all looked at me, and they smiled with sympathy. I know they get what I’m going through, but I hate that they have to see me dealing with this. However, that’s my life. I was offered help, but I turned it down as sometimes that can be worse. He gets physically aggressive when he’s mad, so I don’t want him to harm anyone else. He slapped me, and when I told him not to, he slapped himself, and then bit himself.

Once I got him out of the front door, he dropped to the ground, screaming, and pounding the pavement. He wanted to go back in. Well, sorry buddy it was time to go home. He was still screaming, and crying. I felt like a total failure, like I could NOT control my kid. I hate that feeling. I want every single day to be fun for him. He’s got a chronic life threatening illness, on top of whatever neurological issues he’s dealing with. It’s just not fair.

Finally I got the three of us over to our van, which thankfully was the FIRST handicapped spot. I don’t know how I would have gotten him any farther than that. So thankfully we have that parking pass. I opened a side door, and let him in and told him to just go take a look. He likes to overlook every inch of the van every time he gets in it. He was starting to calm down, and as I was turning Joanna around to the front of me to put her in her car, one of the girls from the Y came over to me and asked me if I needed help. I couldn’t help but to vent, and cry. I felt so overwhelmed. Here I am taking my kids out for a nice trip, mainly so Lucas could have fun, and so that I could get a workout done.

Crying, and explaining Lucas’ issues, and his chronic illness to this young Mother was probably a lot for her to take in. She was sweet, and offered me a hug. Our little baby girls enjoyed their few minutes together in the child watch room before the slide issue. Maybe we can set something up without Lucas sometime. I don’t want Joanna to suffer socially, just because Lucas has these issues. The people I work with make me feel so supported, and it’s so appreciated, but I guess today I just needed to cry. I sat in the front seat sobbing for fifteen minutes. YES IT TOOK HIM 15 MINUTES to get into his carseat. Once he finally got in, I buckled him up and kissed him. I always tell him how much I love him, and that I hope he had a good time. We don’t talk about the bad stuff. I try my best to just ignore it, redirect, and move on. Moving on today was hard for me.

Once we got home, he had his daily Dunkin’ Donuts egg wraps. Joanna had her bottle, lunch, Advil for her teeth, and then I put her down for a nap. Then I went back downstairs to begin this blog post. Then I heard the front door open, and my mother in law was here to watch Lucas. I had to go to his preschool for our meeting to setup his IEP evaluation. He was good for her, as he usually is.

The photo above is one area of the playground at his new preschool. There are wood chips on the ground. This means, he may not get to play there. I’m waiting for word from his oncologist. The playground is HUGE, and I took many photos, but there were other children running around. The lonely swings set the mood for this blog entry…

I went into the meeting with my emotions on my sleeve. Maybe it was a good thing. They got to see how upset I was. More than anything I want him to have a happy life. I want him to have the services that he so clearly needs. We are currently in the process of getting another psychological, and neurological evaluation done. He definitely suffers from anxiety disorder, and he is defiant, but I think there is way more to it than that. I believe that my son is on the spectrum. Yes, he’s got a brilliant mind, and he can communicate well with others. That’s where he excels. However, he has many quirks and issues that should NOT be overlooked. We need help, and that’s exactly what I’m fighting so hard for.

NOTE: WHEN I CAME HOME, I GOT MY WORKOUT IN: NO EXCUSES. No matter how hard my life is, I don’t neglect my own health and fitness. Even when I have days like these. I tried, I tried my absolute hardest. The last thing I wanted to do was exercise after all that. However, i did it. That made me feel a little better about myself. Thank You PiYo.

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