The Inner Battle

So maybe I’m nuts. Okay, I’m definitely crazy. I feel like I’m constantly fighting with myself inside my head. I can’t think straight. One moment I’m okay and the next I’m tweaking out hardcore! Finding out that Joanna is healthy was a true blessing!  

 My Chunky Princess! 

So now I’m fighting with myself about school. Like seriously fighting. On one hand I know that every class I complete will help me reach my goal of being a graphic designer with a Fine Arts degree. The other hand is telling me to chill, and that it can wait a year. I took last semester off to have Joanna and it’s a good thing I did because spring was CRAZY. I don’t want to let myself take too much time off because I won’t want to go back. Right now, I do want to go back…. 

However it took me 5 days to find the time to give the baby a bath. How the hell am I going to find the time to study for quizzes, do two class loads of homework, write papers, read chapters, and discuss on the boards with my fellow students!?!?!? I can’t allow my GPA to go down. It’s a 3.96! I can’t go into financial aid probation!! Or I won’t be allowed to go back and get assistance again! School is free for me. I have managed to get all A’s since I started college. I don’t want to get B’s and C’s or drop out and screw up my aid. 

I am so nervous and stressed out. At night after the kids go to bed, I’m still in their bedroom. Yes, I still sleep next to Lucas. It’s the only way that he and I get the sleep we need. He’s a different Apple, and I can’t just change that over night. Even if I could, the thought of getting up to read history books or do schoolwork is like a sick joke. I’m absolutely exhausted. When they go to bed, I rest and sleep shortly afterwards. I need it. It’s the only break I get.

I honestly think school is going to get the worst of me. That’s not good! I’ve been so angry lately, headaches, stress, fatigue. I can’t even clean my damn house. Who the fuck am I kidding!? 

Starting to think school is the WORST idea for my life right now. Is it okay to know that it would be too much, and to just wait? I feel like I truly can’t handle it. Even though I want to be able to so badly. 

One thought on “The Inner Battle

  1. Linsay of course it’s ok to know that would be way to much for you right now. You and your family have been through so much and you have a lot on your plate right now. I too want to go back to school and I go back and forth about it all the time. The way I look at is yes I could go back to school. It would be hard working full time and going to school but I could do it. Then I think of my kids, they are the ones that will be most effected by it. My children will only be young once and once that’s over you can never get that time back. I am not willing to sacrifice missing their childhood. It’s a choice I made long ago and even though I question if it’s the right one when I’m with them I know I made the right decision. So I think knowing that your focus needs to be on your family right now is the right choice for you. Like you said you have so much to loose if you try and don’t succeed. What do you have to loose by waiting? You’ll know when the time is right to go back. Trust your instincts. Love you xoxo

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