So maybe I’m nuts. Okay, I’m definitely crazy. I feel like I’m constantly fighting with myself inside my head. I can’t think straight. One moment I’m okay and the next I’m tweaking out hardcore! Finding out that Joanna is healthy was a true blessing!
So now I’m fighting with myself about school. Like seriously fighting. On one hand I know that every class I complete will help me reach my goal of being a graphic designer with a Fine Arts degree. The other hand is telling me to chill, and that it can wait a year. I took last semester off to have Joanna and it’s a good thing I did because spring was CRAZY. I don’t want to let myself take too much time off because I won’t want to go back. Right now, I do want to go back….
However it took me 5 days to find the time to give the baby a bath. How the hell am I going to find the time to study for quizzes, do two class loads of homework, write papers, read chapters, and discuss on the boards with my fellow students!?!?!? I can’t allow my GPA to go down. It’s a 3.96! I can’t go into financial aid probation!! Or I won’t be allowed to go back and get assistance again! School is free for me. I have managed to get all A’s since I started college. I don’t want to get B’s and C’s or drop out and screw up my aid.
I am so nervous and stressed out. At night after the kids go to bed, I’m still in their bedroom. Yes, I still sleep next to Lucas. It’s the only way that he and I get the sleep we need. He’s a different Apple, and I can’t just change that over night. Even if I could, the thought of getting up to read history books or do schoolwork is like a sick joke. I’m absolutely exhausted. When they go to bed, I rest and sleep shortly afterwards. I need it. It’s the only break I get.
I honestly think school is going to get the worst of me. That’s not good! I’ve been so angry lately, headaches, stress, fatigue. I can’t even clean my damn house. Who the fuck am I kidding!?
Starting to think school is the WORST idea for my life right now. Is it okay to know that it would be too much, and to just wait? I feel like I truly can’t handle it. Even though I want to be able to so badly.